


Suddenly Wheatley

by Lady_Isludis



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, GLaDOS was perfectly capable of hacking it on her own, contains spoilers, contains the usual fat jokes, fangirl should've been careful what she wished for, interdimensional portals, lightning didn't strike my computer, poop jokes, wheatley fixates on absurd details
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-04-30 10:50:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5161001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Isludis/pseuds/Lady_Isludis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm just going to apologize in advance for this. It's a self-insert-ish fic where GLaDOS decides to pop in and give me a souvenir. Is it a pair of long fall boots? Is it a portal gun? You'll have to read it to find out! I'm not sure why she did, but I suspect she's tired of listening to his constant yammering and wants to dump him on somebody. Why me? I have no idea. Also is this a crackfic? Because yes, it's completely ridiculous, if that's what constitutes a crackfic. I honestly don't know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Playthrough

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, I am deeply sorry for this. Wheatley ended up being way too much fun to write, and I fear things have gotten out've hand.
> 
> Valve characters are not my own, Pepsi is not my own, etc. I half expect this to end up on a badfic listing somewhere... don't worry I'm working on more serious stuff that isn't nearly this silly.

I first bought Portal and Portal 2 as a bundle during a steam sale, but I had no idea how deeply involved I was going to get.  
  
Both of them together would cost me less than a boxed copy of Portal 2 in the stores, and despite my preference for physical copies, it was easier than setting out to hold a copy of said orange box in my hands.  
  
I'd known about the game for a while, but it wasn't until partway through college that I finally made the move to obtain it. By then it'd been out for years and thanks to the internet I already knew how it ended.  
  
I played it anyway.  
  
I was about two chambers away from the finale of Portal 1 before I had some problems and the game decided it'd rather boot me than let me reload a previous save. Since I couldn't play that (for the moment), I decided to ty switching to Portal 2, thinking I could kill time by finishing a few test chambers.  
  
A couple of days later, Portal 1 lay forgotten and I'd beaten Portal 2. It was longer than I'd anticipated, but then if the game would've called it an episode when Wheatley threw Chell and GLaDOS down the pit, that would've seemed really short.  
  
Old aperture seemed like it could eat up an entire episode in itself, so did new aperture after Wheatley had been screwing around up there. Quite possibly, three episodes worth of content in one game, and I loved every minute of it. Except possibly the odd chamber that took longer to figure out, but doesn't everybody have that problem?  
  
I would've loved a 3rd installment to get into, but you can't rush Valve. Not if you don't want to tack more time onto development and certainly not if you want Half Life 3 to be as shining an example of glorious gameplay as we're all hoping - expecting it to be.  
  
What I wasn't expecting was to receive my own personal Easter egg.  
  
Of course, it wasn't Easter at the time, of course. It was winter break, and I had 3 weeks of time away from schoolwork. The annoying thing about college is while you aren't doing daily worksheets and handing them in the next day for maybe 5 points towards your final grade, you are getting large, occasionally multiphase projects that need to be completed by a certain date in order to receive anywhere between 10-50% (sometimes more) of your final grade.  
  
I'd retreated to my dorm in the hopes of a celebratory gaming session. I didn't (and still don't) have an extensive library of titles, but the ones I do have I really enjoy.  
  
It'd taken me longer than usual to make the commute, mostly due to the fluffy white snow that'd begun to fall. Lately, snow seemed to come down whenever something good happened in my life, so I passively accepted this as a good omen.  
  
For the moment, I decided now would be as good a time as any to try Portal 1 again!  
  
A change of clothes and a freshly poured beverage later, I was finally at my desk, free from all academic responsibilities and assorted social distractions! Don't get me wrong here, I really enjoyed animation. I still do! But it's like they say, you can always have too much of a good thing!  
  
The game looked like it was finally going to load up (finally!), and for a moment I was satisfied.  
  
Until the whole computer seemed to lock up on me...  
  
I tapped the Num-Lock key a few times, more out've impatience than anything.  
  
"I know you must be busy, but do you think you could take some time out've your schedule to perform a quick test?"  
  
.......  
  
GLaDOS?  
  
.......  
  
Funny, I didn't remember hearing her voice during a loading screen before. Maybe this only happened when you'd played the game for a while? At the time, I would've assumed this. Remember, I'd only recently gotten the game!  
  
I found myself tip-tapping the Num-Lock key again.  
  
"I don't know if you think hitting that button over and over again will do anything, but it's really annoying."  
  
I froze.  
  
This was getting weird.  
  
"I was going to, but the game isn't loading, so I can't." I said to nobody.  
  
"Oh, it's not that kind of test. This is more of a behavioral exercise." GLaDOS' voice explained. "Did you think I watched humans plop cubes on buttons all day?"  
  
I couldn't help but snicker at that, if this was a hacker, they were at least trying to stay in character.  
  
"Anyway, you aren't quite suited to cube and button based testing. Despite your martial arts training, you are not a fast runner. On top of that, my usual test subject isn't so heavy. In fact, she's starting to look pretty good right now."  
  
I suppose I should've seen it coming though, of course she'd take a shot at my wei-  
  
Hold on... how did she know I knew Karate?  
  
"Wh-who are you!? What's happening!?"  
  
She laughed her synthesized laugh, and I suddenly began to feel lightheaded.  
  
"In any case, what I'm asking of you won't involve quite so much physical exertion, but you'll still be doing a service to the scientific community. Won't that make you feel special?"  
  
Consorting with a homicidal AI was supposed to feel special? Unless she really was just an in character hacker with a vocal synthesizer, trying to get a rise out've a fan. Kind of like those people who waited at the bookstore for someone to purchase a volume of Harry Potter and yell out the names of all the characters that would die at the end of the series. No, this felt meaner than that. Damn them.  
  
At least it wasn't HAL. I shuddered.  
  
"If y-you're really who I think you are." I stammered. "H-how are you talking to me right now?"  
  
"How about this? I'll spare our primitive mind the details and just show you."  
  
Suddenly, my screen went dark - causing me to panic for a moment, thinking my computer might be either broken or compromised, or both - until a new image came up on my monitor. There was GLaDOS, dangling from her usual perch in the main AI chamber.  
  
"Now, turn and look at that wall behind you."  
  
Part of me was terrified to look, lest there be some random thug standing behind me, waiting for me to turn around so he could run me through. Wouldn't that be a headline? "Animation student falls prey to Portal themed murder." What would my friends think of that? What would Gabe Newell think of that?  
  
I took a deep breath and braced myself. If I turned around quickly, maybe there was a chance I could dodge the attack and... oh who was I kidding? I had to get it over with! Off came the headphones, just in case they caught and tipped something over, like my beverage (I already had a bad habit of spilling Pepsi on my desk, some parts were still sticky despite being wiped down).  
  
I quickly jumped up and spun round, knocking my swivel chair over in the process.  
  
Nothing.  
  
Well the wall was there, but that'd always been there.  
  
That fiery, orange rimmed hole however, had not.  
  
I must've looked like a deer caught in the headlights then, because whoever was really doing this was really blowing my mind!  
  
If I hadn't been confused and terrified, I may have even been impressed! That really looked like a portal on my wall, and... hold on, it lead directly to GLaDOS's chamber!  
  
And she was looking right at me!  
  
Shit!  
  
On the one hand, this was quite possibly the most convincing prank anyone had ever pulled on me. On the other, it had the potential to be dangerous. I've always told myself that if I encountered a portal to another world, I'd hop through and hope to find some way to become a warlock. On the other hand, this looked awfully like an Aperture portal, and venturing through would be a terrible idea.  
  
"This can't be real." I breathed.  
  
Or maybe it was.  
  
Slowly, I approached the portal. GLaDOS never took her optic off of me, and I could see now that I was not looking at a game model. Whatever this was, this was starting to look pretty real.  
  
"You still doubt what you're experiencing?"  
  
This time, her voice was coming from the wall - no - beyond the wall, and sounded more real than anything my precious Sony headphones could offer.  
  
I reached out for the portal - not sure if I wanted this to be real or merely an elaborate prank - and waited tor my hand to be stopped by the wall.  
  
It didn't.  
  
I was in shock! I'd managed to fit my entire forearm through the portal! My mind was spinning because by all accounts this was supposed to be impossible, but there was definitely a hole in the wall. I cautiously hooked my elbow around the rim, patting what I immediately recognized as cold ceramic tile, so I reached in further, and before I knew it I had a leg in...  
  
What was I doing!?  
  
I yanked myself back out.  
  
"I was going to advise against lingering in the portal, but I see you've made a wise choice and removed yourself. Ordinary paint isn't a very good portal conductor."  
  
She wasn't kidding either. I remembered watching a short film about the invention of the portal device - an interpretation by fans, of course - and while it offered up lead paint as a possible portal conductor, there was a time limit. I didn't want to end up like the kid who'd stood in the portal until it closed (and cut him in half).  
  
I had no idea how old the building was, or even if there was lead paint on the walls - probably not.  
  
"What do you want with me?" I called. "What kind of test do you have?"  
  
The sound of a mechanical claw came forth, and for a moment I was afraid she might want to pull me through, so I stepped back.  
  
"Would you please hold onto this until further notice?" She droned.  
  
The claw swung in my direction, and I had to jump out've the way as something tumbled - noisily - through the inter dimensional doorway, stopping with a loud *THUMP* as it smacked the foot of my bed.  
  
"OW!"  
  
I can't say I wasn't stunned. GLaDOS had just offered me a souvenir, and I recognized that voice!  
  
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a facility to run. This test will not be monitored. Thank you for your contribution to science."  
  
The Portal imploded, leaving a stark white wall.  
  
"Hullo?" Came a muffled voice from the carpet. "Lady? I seem to have landed face down, could you pick me up?"  
  
My face lit up. Of all the science-y things GLaDOS could've unceremoniously tossed into my abode, she chose Wheatley. This must be my lucky day! He was my favourite character (not that I didn't love Chell, she was - and still is - awesome in her own right), and he was here in my bedroom! What fangirl wouldn't be jealous? Maybe somebody out there is already plotting my demise out've jealousy. I hope not...  
  
I suppose it wasn't as awesome as a portal gun or long fall boots, but I could work with this. GLaDOS probably wouldn't trust me with any of the expensive equipment anyway, and she would be right not to. I would've definitely played with them. I'm not brave enough to jump off a roof but I'd still want to skip around in them, maybe cosplay. I have long dark hair, so I could pull off Chell if I pulled it back.  
  
My scheming was interrupted by the core that was still trying very hard to right himself.  
  
"Oh, sorry." I said as I rolled him over. I was surprised at how big he was in real life, he looked so small when he was being carried. If I has to put it in relative terms I'd say he was the approximate size of a large exercise ball.  
  
"About time!" He scolded. "Do you have any idea how annoying it is to stare at the ground until someone comes along and sits you upright? It's madness! But since you came along and flipped me over, cheers for that! By the way, where is this? This isn't part of the facility is it?"  
  
"N-no?" I shook my head.  
  
"Oh you can talk! That's great! You have no idea how much easier that is for me, the last human I met didn't talk at all. Never said a word! Nope! Wouldn't even say "apple", just jumped up and down on the spot! Can't imagine why, I suspect she was brain damaged. Not that there's anything wrong with brain damage, aside from having it. You obviously don't want to have brain damage, but it's not bad, I mean it is, but it's not- who are you?"  
  
He definitely sounded like Wheatley, referencing everything I expected him to reference - right down to Chell herself.  
  
This was unreal!  
  
"I'm Gabby." I said.  
  
"Gabby? Huh, that's an odd sort of name. Do you just talk alot, and that's why they named you that?"  
  
I couldn't breathe. He had no idea how delicious the irony was.  
  
"Oi! What's so funny? I was just asking!"  
  
"It's just, you're the one that talks alot." I wheezed, smacking the bedpost."  
  
"Wot? Pfffft! I don't talk THAT much! Surely!"  
  
I roared, pain blossoming in my side. He didn't like that, his eyelids, shutters(?) narrowed like he was giving me the stink eye. Pun not intended.  
  
Damn GLaDOS, I hadn't expected you to provide entertainment like this. I figured that it wasn't intended as some sort of "You're a special snowflake, let me make your wildest fantasies come true as a gesture of our friendship" sort of gestures, she'd probably try to play all sorts of mind games with me had I been able to partake in her usual tests. She was probably dumping him on me so she wouldn't have to listen to his constant yammering. Maybe she figured it was a win-win because I wouldn't mind having him there anyway.  
  
"So, how did you get back from space?" I asked once I'd calmed down.  
  
"Oh that? How did you know about that?" His blue optic shrank in surprise. "I don't even know to be honest, I was just sort of floating around in the ol' void, and then I was falling! At some point it started to get really hot - and I mean REALLY hot, you have NO idea - and I must've shut down for a bit because I don't know what happened after that. Anyway, somehow I ended up back in her chamber - and I don't think she liked that, by the way, she didn't sound the least bit happy, not that I blame her. I DID kind of, sort of take over the facility and stuff her in a potato before - so she grabbed me and chucked me in here, wherever "here" is, you still haven't answered that actually. Not a clue where I am right now, nope!"  
  
"Well, right now you're in my room." I explained. "I can't say I know why she threw you in here, I'm actually surprised to hear from her at all. I can tell you one thing, though, you are DEFINITELY not in the facility anymore."  
  
He was obviously stunned by that. "Oh... well. That's an interesting development." His optic darted around the room. "So, uh... where is here, exactly?"  
  
"In my dorm room." I paused, then added "on the surface."  
  
His optic contracted again. "This is the surface? Really? I don't believe it, this is where the lady was going!" I wasn't sure what to say in response to that, so I just shrugged.  
  
"You know, you look a bit like her, you do." He nodded as he scrutinized me. "Except your face is different, also you're very pale. Are you alright? Do you feel light headed at all?"  
  
I rolled my eyes. I'd heard this many times before. Sometimes I'd take a trip to the Doctor or the Dentist's office and they'd occasionally note that if they hadn't seen me come in, they'd have thought I was about to pass out.  
  
"I'm fine. My face - my skin is always like this!"  
  
"Really? You know the lady spent lots of time indoors, and she wasn't nearly as pasty as you are, mate! Are you sure you aren't a vampire or something? You don't drink blood do you? Have you ever seen your reflection in a mirror?"  
  
I shook my head frantically. "No! I'm not a vampire! I'm as human as Ch- I mean the lady." I caught myself before I gave her name. I knew what it was, but I wasn't sure he did, and I wasn't sure if she wanted him to. Better to stay on the good side of the characters you like, right? Unless they're a total jerk and turn on you, which I doubted Chell would. "Also I'm just white, just a bit paler than others."  
  
His optic tilted in his hull, kind of like a curious puppy. "I'd say a very light shade of pink. Very light, but not pure white."  
  
I let out a sigh. Of course he'd find something to fixate on, but did it have to be something dumb like that? I felt for Chell, she could walk away or ignore him but she didn't, possibly couldn't speak up to change the subject. Then again, the developers had stated that she probably could talk, she was just rendered speechless by the frustrating nature of her current situation.  
  
"Come to think of it, you've got quite a bit more meat on your bones than she did, as well."  
  
Really, Wheatley? Really? You too?  
  
I would've expected this from GLaDOS, but not you!  
  
I must've glared at him pretty hard, because he was backpedaling again. "Not that there's anything wrong with being, you know."  
  
Then it occurred to me that I could be making use of my own voice, maybe to redirect his attention to something else. Anything else!  
  
"Well, it's getting late." I yawned. "I should clean up and go to sleep."  
  
"Wot? Is it that time already? Honestly, you humans sometimes! Always running out've steam in the middle of a riveting conversation!"  
  
You don't say.  
  
"I can't speak for any of the test subjects, but when the sun goes down, so do we."  
  
He just sort of blinked, as if he were taking this in. "I don't think I've ever seen the sun. I mean I know what it is, but I can't say I've seen it. Well, not outside of space. In space I saw it all the time, but that's not the same thing is it? Not really. Nope! Totally different. Has to be!"  
  
I shook my head, but at least the subject was changed.  
  
"Oi! Where you going?"  
  
"I have to get changed for bed. I'm a college student so I don't get much sleep, right now it's winter break so I kinda have to take the opportunity while I can." Especially since I was likely going to be busy dealing with him for the next little while. Come to think of it, GLaDOS hadn't exactly left me a "pick up" date.  
  
"Why are you going in there to do it though?"  
  
I shot him a look.  
  
"Alright... alright." His optic darted from side to side. "Just asking, no big deal. Sorry..."  
  
From the time I entered the bathroom to the time I came out, I could still hear him muttering to himself behind the door. I kind of smiled, because at the end of the day, it was just Wheatley being Wheatley, and that's part of why he was funny.  
  
I didn't much like being the brunt of the joke, not that anybody does - I still don't know how Chell put up with all of it, I'd have to ask her if I ever got the chance. Assuming she'd talk to me. She might've even rolled her eyes at me, putting up with him at all - but I knew I was going to have to take the good with the bad. Maybe then I'd find him more tolerable.  
  
But then, what would he think of me? What did he think of me so far? Aside from the traits he'd already commented on, there wasn't much to go by.  
  
When I was done, I threw my clothes from the day in the hamper and went back out.  
  
"Oh you're back!" He exclaimed. "Took you a while didn't it? I was getting worried that maybe you'd fallen in the toilet or something. Didn't hear a splash though, so I'm going to assume you didn't?"  
  
I shook my head.  
  
"I hope not - for your sake I mean - because that'd be disgusting." He shuddered and made a disgusted sort of noise. "Really disgusting. For you, I mean. I can't imagine it'd be fun to go swimming in your own waste, not at all - not that I'm judging if it so happens that there are humans out there who like that sort of thing, it's just not my idea of a good time. Nope! Not me! Still though, I respect your decision to sit in your own poo, even though I don't like to do that - sit in my own poo - not that I even make poo to begin with. I think it'd be really smelly and I just - I couldn't do it. Much too smelly."  
  
Oh my god... he was really going there, wasn't he?  
  
"You're laughing again! What is it with you? How is sitting in your own filth funny? Hmm? Answer me that!" He narrowed his shutters at me again. "Do you realise how insensitive that is? What about the people who like sitting in their own poo? It's - well it's offensive that's what it is! I may not like sitting in my own poo but at least I don't judge, I mean let's say for a moment that I DID like to sit in my own poo - but I don't, actually - and here you are judging me!"  
  
"I'm not judging!" I laughed. "I'm sorry but you're being ridiculous and please stop you're killing me!"  
  
Of course he'd fly off into a panic about that. He takes things quite literally sometimes, we've all seen it. I'd just never imagined what it'd be like if he were introduced to normal society. I'd expected him to ask about the more mundane things like the contents of my room.  
  
Eventually, I did manage to get him calmed down, righted my chair, cleaned up my spilled beverage, and re-made the bed. I'd also moved him over by my computer desk, so I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night and trip over him. I just hoped his optic wouldn't be very bright in the darkness.  
  
"Wheatley." I asked. "Do you have a sleep mode or anything?"  
  
He nodded. "I do, why?"  
  
"Humans prefer to sleep in the dark." I explained. "It's harder for us if it's very bright - unless we're completely exhausted - also if we can't sleep, we tend to be cranky the next day."  
  
"Oh!" He nodded again. "Now that you mention it that explains some things..."  
  
"I guess that's good." I wondered aloud. "Anyway, I'm going to turn off the lights and try to sleep now, so if you could go into sleep mode soon, that'd be great. Just for about..." I paused, trying to decide upon a realistic wake up goal for both of us. "10-12 hours?"  
  
"Wot? That's a long time. Don't humans only need 8? Maybe 9?"  
  
"I told you, I'm a college student. I'm on my break right now, but I had to work hard to get here and I'm more tired than I'd usually be. That's just what happens."  
  
He seemed to accept that, or at least he didn't comment on it. It made me wonder if he was thinking, processing(?) back to when he was still helping Chell try to find her way out've the facility.  
  
But that was before the core transfer. I doubted it was a good idea to bring it up, but at the same time, I really wanted to know what was going on in his mind at the time. How much of it had been him, and how much of it had been him being affected by the euphoria solution? Did he even know?  
  
If the final cutscene were anything to go by, he seemed to regret his actions whilst under the influence. It still wasn't clear if he was in any kind of emotional distress - to whatever degree he was capable of being in any - as a result of it.  
  
By this point, I was much too tired to do anything about it now, so I said goodnight and drifted off. I'd ask him later...


	2. Souvenir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was initially thinking of this as a oneshot, but I have a few more ideas thanks to Vinecat on fanfiction.net! They liked my story and suggested some topics for future chapters, and I thought to myself, there's only one "real" way to end this story, and it's not with "I'll ask him about Chell and everything later". So I'll apologize again in advance if this is horrible, shameless wish fulfillment in any form, but alas, making Wheatley carry on about stupid things is too much fun to resist.

I awoke the next morning - actually, it was well after noon by now, I'd slept in as anticipated - and for a moment or two I'd completely forgotten about the events of the previous day.

 

Until I rolled over.

 

Wheatley was still sitting where I'd left him, and when he noticed I was awake he began to chatter away.

 

"You're up! Finally! I know you said 10-12 hours but then you went and slept longer anyway! Do you realize the day's more than half over?" This didn't surprise me that much. I don't like to give timeframes anyway, I feel like I'm forever blowing past the deadline. Either way, something told me that there wasn't going to be much studying today.

 

I stumbled into the bathroom again, and began the usual morning (or in this case, afternoon) ritual: toilet, get dressed, apply antiperspirant, brush teeth, run brush through hair, pull hair back in a ponytail, exit bathroom.

 

I know it can take other girls quite a bit longer, considering they spend more time on their.... um.... "appearance". I can't be bothered to apply makeup, and if I'm honest, I may not have even bothered to brush my teeth right away if I didn't have plans to go out - I still think it's stupid to brush your teeth before eating, sure it helps with morning breath but you're only going to get more food crumbs stuck in there anyway.

 

Oh right! Going out. That might be a problem!

 

I'd planned on leaving the dorm for some food, but I couldn't help but wonder if it was a good idea to leave him there by himself, especially here. Not that there was much in my dorm for him to muck with - unless he rolled around and bumped things - but it still felt kind of mean.

 

My stomach decided to growl right then, angrily telling me to hurry it up.

 

I could just lock the door. It wouldn't take long.

 

"Wheatley?" I called.

 

"What is it, love?"

 

"I'm gonna go get some food. I can't take you with me, so need you to wait here and try not to make too much noise."

 

While he wasn't overly heavy - I'd say around the same as my desktop tower (times three, if I had to guess) - his size made it incredibly awkward to pick him up. I'd actually just rolled him over to the computer last night. I don't think he particularly enjoyed it (he did get quite vocal), but you have to go with your strengths. It made me wonder how heavy a companion cube might be.

 

He nodded. "Well, alright, hurry back. I know you humans need to eat but, all the same, you know?"

 

Outside, snow was falling again, albeit lighter than it had been the previous night. I wondered if Wheatley had any record of snow in his database. I had no doubt if I dumped some on him he'd be upset with me (he'd already claimed to have some level of temperature sensitivity, unless he was just going by an internal thermometer and I was over-thinking things) and he certainly wouldn't like being wet either, but I still chuckled to myself at the thought of it, and got an awkward look from someone on the bus.

 

The kid in me kind of wanted to pop over to Yorkdale to see if they had any Macbook Pro skins in (which is and always has been an excuse to go to the only Arby's around), but the "practical adult" half decided that the usual Chinese place was probably better right at that moment, not to mention closer. Besides, an order of chow mein would make at least two meals the way this guy prepared it. I could order that with fried rice and eat for a couple of days!

 

Chinese it was.

 

After about a ten minute wait, I collected my order and got back on the next bus.

 

My stomach growled again, and rather than attempt to pry open the aluminum trays and have my meal(s) flying everywhere, I went for a fortune cookie. I think you're supposed to save them for last, but it was better than nothing, right?

 

As I munched on the cookie, I unrolled the fortune.

 

"The cookie is a lie."

 

.......

 

Amazing.

 

.......

 

This one was definitely going on Tumblr.

 

When I did get back, I'd half expected him to somehow manage to get loose in the air vents, but found him in pretty much the same spot I'd left him in.

 

"Ooh! What's in the bag?" He chirped. "My sensors are picking up condensation so whatever it is, it's hot. H-O-T! Hot! Wouldn't want to burn yourself on that, nope! I'm also presuming that once it's cooled to a safe temperature, it's going to be absolutely delicious! For you, I mean. I obviously can't taste much of anything - no tongue, no taste buds. I haven't even got a mouth, really. That is food right?"

 

I cracked open one of the containers - chow mein - and began twirling some around my fork.

 

"Ooh, might want to blow on that, love!"

 

I rolled my eyes at first, but he was right. It was one of those bites where you get it in your mouth and have to keep moving the food around to keep your tongue and cheeks from getting fried!

 

Nonetheless it was delicious! There was a fragrance I could only describe as "nutty", I'm assuming it was the sesame oil. What I really liked about that particular place is that you could get chow-mein with chicken, beef, pork AND shrimp - every piece of it tender and juicy!

 

"See, what you're doing right there is slurping, love, and I feel you should know - if you don't already - that it's frowned upon in certain social circles. I mean, I'm not having a HUGE problem with it right now, but in case you're out with someone - just saying - they might find it the slightest bit rude."

 

I shot him a look, which I hope he read as "I don't give a damn if it's rude, this is amazing and I'm going to consume it any way I please!" but he didn't say anything about it after that - I'd gone to open my pop bottle and scared the crap out've him when it fizzed over, his short attention span working it's magic yet again.

 

“Careful with that! What if it exploded? Can’t imagine it’d be pleasant to be showered in liquid - not that it’d do much to you, you could probably just wipe it off couldn’t you?” He rambled, but then turned back to glare at me. “But here’s the thing, I can’t do anything about it! No arms or legs or anything, would you even need legs for that? Anyway, water - or any sort of liquid - gets all over me, I’m done. Gone! Circuits are fried! Dead to the world!”

 

I shrugged. “I tend to drink next to my computer. Spills sometimes but I’ve never ruined it.”

 

“You what? What are you some sort of maniac? Do I really need to remind you how dangerous that is? One: you could ruin your computer - which probably isn’t the best idea if you plan on ever using that again, Two: you could electrocute yourself - which is really bad for the whole “staying alive” thing...

 

I shrugged again. “So far no problems.”

 

He carried on a bit about the “dangers of eating and drinking so close to electrical equipment”, but eventually settled down and got onto some other topic.

 

By this time, I'd probably have been right back at my game, but then, here was a chance to strike up a conversation with one of the characters from my new favourite game!

 

Compared to the other game theorists out there, I was way ahead!

 

"So..." I began. There were probably hundreds of questions I could've asked, and even though I had his attention, here I was drawing a huge blank. "Have you always been a core?" I blurted.

 

He blinked a couple of times.

 

"Uh... Yes. As far as I know, yes."

 

In retrospect, I suppose that one would've been helpful to any "human Wheatley" writers out there. You know, confirmation that he was pretty sure he'd always been a core, but what did that really say about anything? If there'd been a memory wipe at any point, would he know? Not likely.

 

Alright, second attempt.

 

"What'd you think of the lady?"

 

"What did I think of... Well, I was only with her for a short time, so I'm not quite sure what she was like. Kept to herself, that one. No idea what she thought of me." He was quiet for a moment, gaze lowering to the floor.

 

*KNOCK KNOCK*

 

"I HEAR WHEATLEY!" Came a girl's voice. I clapped my hands over my mouth and froze. "I know you're not studying in there!"

 

Oh crap, it was my roommate!

 

Normally, Gina and I shared a dorm room, but the night before she'd crashed at another friend's place. She had no idea about GLaDOS or the Portal in the wall, or Wheatley.

 

How in the seven hells was I going to explain this?

 

"Oi! Who said my name?" Wheatley perked up, frantically searching for the source of the sound. I tried to hush him, but it was already too late.

 

"How are you doing that voice, you're not even a guy-" My roommate froze when she opened the door, almost immediately her gaze locked onto the sphere. If there was ever any hope at distracting her long enough to hide him somewhere (where would I even hide something that large in a small dorm!?), it was surely gone now.

 

There was a pause, where no one said anything. No one except for Wheatley, who had apparently taken offence to the gender remark, for reasons I can't fathom.

 

"Where did you get that?" Gina demanded.

 

"I- um...."

 

"Is this one of those fan-made puppets?" She gasped, scrutinizing him. I couldn't really blame her for getting excited, that was how I'd felt when he'd first dropped in.

 

"Um... y-yeah, let's go with that." I nodded. I don't like lying as a personal rule, but I wasn't sure she'd believe me either.

 

"Oh my god, this looks almost real!" She sang. "Did you make this? Where did it come from?"

 

"I... ordered it?"

 

"Really? You can order these?"

 

"Yeah." I nodded frantically. "Yeah there's this really good store that does puppets."

 

"Ahem!" Wheatley interrupted. "Not meaning to be rude here, I can see you're having "girl talk", just thought I'd point out that we haven't been properly introduced. No idea who this person is." He gestured towards Gina. "So, if you could formally introduce us, that would be great!"

 

Gina and I looked at one another, then back at Wheatley.

 

"Oh um... ok? Gina, this is-"

 

"Wheatley!" He cut me off. "I'm Wheatley. Please to make your acquaintance."

 

"Right, Wheatley." I gestured to Gina. "This is Gina, she's my room-"

 

"Sorry, don't mean to interrupt again, but what are all those red marks on your face? The lady never had those, is that normal?"

 

I cringed. Of course he'd comment on acne! Poor Gina looked like she was about to get angry, or start tearing up.

 

"Wheatley, that's a bit rude!" I hissed.

 

"No, it's ok." Gina shook her head. "It's close to what he'd say." She sighed heavily. "That's really good ventriloquism though."

 

"Yeah, I think it was a bit too harsh." I back-pedalled. "I mean, it's mostly fat jokes in the game... and-"

 

"Game? What game?" Wheatley chirped.

 

Typical, there was no ignoring him for long.

 

“Wait a minute.” Gina suddenly looked very suspicious. “He just spoke over you. Are these just recordings?”

 

I shrugged. “I-I guess you could say that?”

 

Someone would’ve had to sample a voice in order for him to be able to form words, right? Maybe I could pass him off as a Vocaloid. An English Vocaloid that didn’t have much self control.

 

No, that’d never work.

 

I sighed in defeat.

 

“Actually, there’s something you should probably know. Don’t freak out ok?”

 

She looked at me expectantly.

 

“Wheatley is-” I began. “Wheatley’s real.”

 

There was a long pause.

 

“Are you making fun of me?” She demanded.

 

I shook my head furiously. “No, no of course not!”

 

“So this isn’t-”

 

“Not a puppet, no.”

 

“And it’s not just a talking robot?”

 

Wheatley did a visible double take at this. “What? Of course I’m a robot. What are you implying?”

 

“Well... he’s a robot.” I said slowly, trying to make sense of it as I went. “But he’s not a “robot” robot.” Air quotes for emphasis. Gina glared at me, and I could tell she was skeptical, but more and more I could see that she really wanted to believe, but she still wasn’t sure if I was just playing an elaborate prank - like those people that walk into a port-a-potty and find that the scenery changed when they leave (thanks to quick work by a professional stage crew). It was an unspoken warning that I’d better be telling the truth. Acne jokes are one thing, but no fan likes to be taken for a fool when it comes to possibly meeting their heroes. Real or imaginary. You just don’t go there. End of story.

 

“Is there some way I can convince you?” I asked.

 

“Sorry, just another quick interruption, but I’m a little confused here so you’ll have to work with me.” Wheatley laughed nervously, his optic shifting between myself and Gina. “Are we debating my existence? Because I honestly don’t see what all the fuss is about there, I’m sitting right here. Physically here on this spot. Tangible! Tangible... You could reach out and touch me if you wanted, just don’t hit me or throw things at me is all I ask - and please don’t throw liquid on me. Not a good idea at all, nope. Bloody dangerous for me, actually... But just to let you know, I’m sitting here, nice and tangible, completely touchable, if you’ve got any doubts, you can come over here and touch me. You have my permission.”  
  
That the two of us felt incredibly awkward here was an understatement. In any other context we’d be laughing our heads off. He was a robot, so there was that in his defence, but humans tend to think about other things when touching is brought up.

  
“Unless this is some sort of philosophical debate - or quantum physics, stuff like that. I’m actually a genius, but still need to be kept in the loop.” He nodded.

 

“You know.” Gina began. “I think I’d rather believe that came out’ve his mouth than yours.”

 

I raised an eyebrow. “Do you really think I could make this shit up?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I couldn't just make this shit up, really."
> 
> *Punts self in face with terrible pun*
> 
> Oh god did I really just- yeah I'm gonna chill out now, hope you enjoyed the latest installment.


	3. Snacktime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jesus it's been a long time! I'm still plugging away at Human Condition in the background, and then this idea came into my head and- you'll know it when you see it!

“Thought I’d let you know, doing great so far! I just have a question: Are you going to make this a colour drawing? It’s fine if you want to keep working with pencil - nothing wrong with that. I suppose it’s easier to erase if you muck something up, that does make more sense then.”

Perched on my nightstand, Wheatley chattered on as I observed my near-daily ritual of drawing. I had a small stack of printer paper on my lapboard and a selection of pencils and pens I always like to keep at the ready - regardless of what actually gets used. I’m sure I grinned as it occurred to me then that he would make an entertaining commentator. Should I ever want to bolster views on a YouTube channel, I could record his yammering with a desktop microphone. If anyone asked - and I doubted anyone would - I would say I found a voice actor that sounds a lot like the real deal.

After all, what’s easier to believe: inter-dimensional portals popping up in my dorm, or a single person in this world of over 7 billion that sounds exactly like a beloved robot character - however statistically unlikely?

Gina made it her mission to try and come up with the best questions to ask Wheatley. To her credit, she thought of some really good ones. I never would have thought to ask him about things he liked or disliked. I was more concerned with details that could potentially confirm or debunk theories about Aperture, and the overall lore of the Valve universe.

-and maybe confirm the events of Blue Sky.

I couldn’t do that at this stage, though. Wheatley was still very much a core. Had I caught him in human (or at least hard light) form, things might have been different.

“So, you came through a portal... in the wall?” She chirped eagerly.

“Actually I was tossed through, quite abruptly at that.” He complained. “Can’t imagine that would bode well for my internal components. Thank god I’m not one of those older models without a solid state drive.” He rolled his optic as he said that. “Once they start clicking, it’s the beginning of the end - it’s actually quite annoying, you want to feel sorry for the poor guy but all you’re hearing is click... click... click.... click click..... click..... and maybe some grinding or screeching and just ugh! Sounds horrible! Eventually they just can’t boot up anymore and you’re relieved! Not only because they’re no longer suffering, but because there’s FINALLY no more clicking! I know they can’t help it, just a little pet peeve of mine. Like how spacey carried on about well... space. Anything space related. Wouldn’t shut up about it- What are you doing with that pen? Are you drawing over that? Ah! What- Why are you erasing it? That looked fine! Wait- Wait I get it! Sketch the basic form, run over it once in pen, then erase the outlines! That’s clever. That’s really clever!”

“Attention span of a gnat.” I told myself. Gina shot me a look of silent agreement.

I found it flattering that he took an interest in what I was doing. Normally, people watching over my shoulder makes me uncomfortable. I can’t say it didn’t here - as there was still a sense of pressure to perform in front of one of my favourite video game characters - but I didn’t really feel the urge to turn him away. Oh, who was I kidding? I was miles high!

“Oh now this looks like something out’ve a colouring book doesn’t it? Nice, crisp clean lines - not implying that it’s a simple drawing, I imagine a child couldn’t pull off this L.O.D - in case you’re wondering that’s “level of detail”. Nice acronym there. Read it on that webpage you had open about 3D stuff earlier. Interesting stuff, that - but see you closed the webpage so I didn’t really get to finish it - actually I suppose I could’ve just said something, but you looked like you were busy so I didn’t want to bother you- Oh so you ARE going to colour it! You know what’d go great on this? That BLUE marker right there! Just a suggestion, just a suggestion...”

Markers clicked and clattered as I swapped between colours. All the While, Wheatley continued to provide a play-by-play. He was curious as to why I would scribble on a separate sheet with certain colours, and scolded me for being wasteful when I tried to explain the concept of swatches. He quickly changed his tune when I showed off the final drawing.

“Is that- you’ve been drawing ME this entire time!?” He tilted in his casing like a bird fluffing its feathers. I laughed. Of course he’d enjoy a self-portrait. “I’ll be honest here, you really got my good side. Look at that! That is one handsome looking core if I do say so myself.”

“I still can’t believe I missed the portal.” Gina whined. “Did you see inside!?”

I nodded. “Right into her chamber.”

Her jaw dropped. She gave me a pouty look, like I’d just kicked a puppy or something equally deplorable. “That is so unfair!”

I laughed nervously. It had been cool to see the inside of the place - and put my hand on real Aperture panels - but seeing GLaDOS there, staring back at me was kind of creepy. I shuddered, thinking of how utterly real the murderous AI had looked then - far beyond a mere scratch and dent texture job. It was real in a way that made me uncomfortable - approaching uncanny valley? Wheatley looked positively photo-real himself (but far less menacing). Metal, what had once been white paint, minor scratches and dents in all the right places, chipped optic-

Actually, that must have been annoying for him. Would it cause double vision?

Now I was beginning to ramble, if only internally.

Knowing what GLaDOS was capable of, I could not help but feel nervous about if and when she planned to return. Should she decide she didn’t particularly like us for some reason, the only thing between me, Gina, and Wheatley - and her was the portal. If anything particularly dangerous from Aperture happened to come through-

“I’m running out of things to ask.” Gina announced. “Hey, isn’t there something else we can do with him?”

I shrugged. “Like what?”

“I don’t know, maybe we could go out somewhere and take him with us?” She looked hopeful. It occurred to me then that she might be getting bored sitting and basically watching me draw. With Wheatley mostly fixated on that, it didn’t give her much of a chance to really interact, and I could tell she wanted to have some fun of her own. It was like meeting your favourite celebrity and the whole time they were more interested in someone else. I felt bad.

“Any place in mind?”

Her face lit up. “Maybe we could take him to a museum? Or the park?”

I looked out the window. “Are you sure you want to go out? It’s kind of snowy out there right now.” There wasn’t an immediate problem with taking him out - aside from what other people might think of two girls with a chatty, British-sounding robot riding a bus. I also wondered how sensitive to water Wheatley might be. Would accumulating snow be enough moisture to cause serious damage? “Wheatley? How um... waterproof are you?”

His optic narrowed to almost nothing, and he started to tremble. “W-what!?”

“Wait! Calm down!” I cried, waving my hands. “We just want to make sure of the kinds of conditions that might hurt you, I mean - so we can avoid them!” He didn’t look convinced.

“What she means is, would snowfall cause you any problems?” Nice save, Gina. I let out a sigh.

“I- I don’t know.” He wasn’t shaking anymore, but he still looked shifty and nervous. “I’ve never been outside the facility, so I really don’t know what weather of any kind would do to me.”

“So, what are we going to do?” Gina asked. That was a good question, what kinds of indoor activities can you do with a large metal sphere?

“Cafeteria?” I suggested. It was a long shot. “Obviously not the pool.” Wheatley visibly cringed at that word. “Sorry.”

I thought of football and chuckled to myself.

“Oi! What’s so funny?” Wheatley chirped.

“Nevermind, it was a bad idea.” Gina noticed my smirk and returned one of her own. She knew.

“Well you’ve got me curious, why don’t you share with the rest of the class? It might not be that bad, you should give yourself some credit.”

“Football.” I mumbled. Gina and I both started chortling, while Wheatley’s optic narrowed to a pinprick and darted between the both of us.

“Rude!” He huffed loudly. “What is it with you humans and football? You think just because you’ve got arms and legs that you can just go around kicking and throwing things? Is that just a thing with your species? Am I just going to turn around one day and- OH GOD I’M ROLLING!”

He’d gotten so worked up, he managed to rock himself right off the end table and land on the floor with a soft thunk. Naturally, this made the two of us laugh even harder. “Thought you out to know that I’m currently upside down. Might need a little help with this one, please! Help! Come on, it’s not funny!!!” He waggled his handles in a futile attempt to right himself, reminding everyone involved of a flipped turtle.

“Sorry-” I squeaked, fighting back tears. “Are you okay?”

“Maybe we should put him on the computer chair instead, the arms might stop that from happening again.” Gina suggested as I turned him upright.

“What is it with humans and violent sports?” He carried on. “And it’s not just things like me, you lot run the risk of injury as well. Masochism is what it is, but perhaps sadism is a better word. You know, team sports and all... seems like it’d be both. Masochism and sadism happening at the same time- excuse me what are you doing? I was in the middle of something and the both of you just think it’s fine to go and pick me up? Not even gonna ask first? How would you like it if someone- oh is that, I see what you’re thinking, this is sturdier than the table. Ah, there’ll be no rolling off of this thing. Oh it spins around too!”

“I guess this is how we’re getting him to the caf.” Gina joked.

“Fine, you win.” I dug around in my nightstand and retrieved my wallet and change purse. I still had some leftover chinese food, but I also wanted to see what the special for tonight would be. The lunch lady - Carol - was a really great cook. Before you ask, no, there was no possible relation to Caroline. Carol would never have viewed Cave Johnson in such a positive light after witnessing the kinds of business decisions he made. Had it been her in charge of the company, she would have taken it in an entirely different direction.

Wheatley made noise and carried on all the way from the dorm room to the elevator, and then to the cafeteria. There weren’t many people there at the time, aside from a sleepy looking male student, the cashier, and Carol - who poked her head out from behind the kitchen counter. I left Wheatley with Gina and immediately approached her to find out what was on the menu for tonight.

“Cream of broccoli soup!” I cheered. Carol always made it with cheddar, and it was so thick and creamy that you could pour out the contents of a small, styrofoam serving cup into two bowls. If you were to add some extra milk to each bowl, you would have two full portions. Even then, it was really creamy and delicious! For two-fifty, it wasn’t a bad deal at all! At least, not in my mind. I always looked forward to days when Carol’s cream of broccoli soup was served. There was soup almost every day, but the selection was rotated.

I gasped when I saw something wrapped in tinfoil in a heated display case on one side of the counter. For 99 cents a pop, I knew then that I would simply HAVE to splurge! I brought my order to the cashier, grabbed a spoon and two forks and paid in cash.

When I returned to Gina and Wheatley, Gina was busy asking him even more questions! I suppose her creative muse had recharged and was ready for another round.

“Guess what I got?” I announced in a singsong voice.

“Oooh! It’s something hot again!” Wheatley announced.

I placed one of the tinfoil wrapped goodies next to my soup, and a second one in front of Gina. “I thought of you, too.” I said. “Bon appetit!”

She looked at me with confusion at first, then began to unwrap the tinfoil and looked ready to scream.

“Ohmygod! You’re so evil!” She laughed. “Thanks!”

I beamed from ear to ear. “Wheatley, I would have gotten one for you too, but you know.” He blinked, but was silent for a minute or two before mumbling that he “didn’t get it”. Gina and I laughed and joked amongst ourselves as I slurped my soup and we both munched on our baked potatoes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GLaDOS is going to tear me a new one lol

**Author's Note:**

> So... how was it? If you see any spelling or grammar mistakes, please give me a friendly head's up. I have plenty of ideas for more serious projects, but I don't want to have a go at them just yet. I still think my writing needs work, I haven't exactly kept at it lately.
> 
> Also, if you're wondering about the short film I mentioned, you can watch it on YouTube, it's called "Portal: Origins". The bit about lead paint will make more sense too, but you should still watch it because it's very well done!


End file.
